" Being A Sovereign Leader Also Means Being A Safe Space", with Miryam Valdivia-Romero, on Sovereign Leadership, Value-based Decision Making, Healing, and Transformation.

podcast recording with Miryam Valdivia-Romero
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Zhou Fang: [00:00:00] Right, we are recording, uh, another beautiful spring day in Portland. And, uh, I have, uh, absolute pleasure to see a friend two days in a row, and last night was in person and today is on the computer. Um, hello everyone. Welcome to the Intersection, a podcast program about intersectionality, intersectional identities and intersectional journeys, as well as the stories that come with awe of that.

And today, I am honored to welcome my friend. I'm going to try to say her name very carefully. Uh, Miriam Valdivia Romero. Uh,

Miryam Valdivia: Yes.

Zhou Fang: to the program. I'm sweating. Um, uh, Miriam and I, we met through a mutual friend Nina Bird over the holidays actually. So that was merely six [00:01:00] months ago. Um. But we share a lot of like interests and values and ideas.

So, um, we just decided, you know, we should have a podcast conversation about things. Um, so I want to, um, invite Miriam to introduce yourself. Welcome.

Miryam Valdivia: Thank you for having me. I'm really excited about this conversation because as soon as we met one-on-one, we hit it off. Um, and I'm really excited about the intersectionality of our stories as well. So I'm Miriam Bolivia Romero, first gen Latina, immigrant, um, leadership and capacity coach. And by that I mean that I work with leaders who are done proving themselves are, they're, they're ready to actually lead so they can stop surviving their organizations and start changing them and build success without the burnout.[00:02:00]

Zhou Fang: That's so cool. I think it's something that we really need in the space. And, um, I'm curious, you know, you worked in the corporate space before and what inspired you to go into consulting or coaching and independent work?

Miryam Valdivia: To be completely transparent here, consulting started while I was in my nine to five. I

Zhou Fang: Hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: to become a coach first. Um, based on my own journey, I realized that for most of my, my life, hadn't been making decisions out of sovereignty. And we can talk about that later or in a little bit. though I thought I was making my own decisions.

I was an independent woman, I was a grownup, an adult, and I, you know, navigated my career. my own terms, turns out a lot of the decisions that I had been making were from pain, [00:03:00] were from guilt, were from limiting beliefs, were from culture, uh, culture, uh, cultural conditioning, conditioning as well.

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: so through my own awakening per se, I decided I need every single woman in this world. To feel like this, to feel this liberation and to be sovereign, like, feel sovereign. Be sovereign in their decisions in the decision making. And that's how I started my coaching business. That's back in 2022. And I had been doing it on the side and it was time, it was time to dive into full-time business and I love it.

Zhou Fang: Mm,

Miryam Valdivia: So, yeah.

Zhou Fang: congratulations. So you are going into four year. Into consulting and coaching? Yeah, coaching and consulting. [00:04:00] Um, okay. If we go down the memory line, um, in 2022, you are like, I need to start coaching at the Women on Sovereignty and Sovereignty leadership. When you signed your first client, how did that feel?

Miryam Valdivia: It's just like, oh, this just feeling of like being able to make your own money.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Based on a skill that you have on the value that you are providing and not expect not, not because someone told you to, not because someone is telling you the project, not because of the deliverables and whatnot. No. It's like

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: are making your own money.

That it was like and there's no cap on how much money you can make

Zhou Fang: Right.

Miryam Valdivia: as a

Zhou Fang: Yeah. The, the possibility is infinite.

Miryam Valdivia: absolutely.

Zhou Fang: That's amazing.

Miryam Valdivia: Another type of liberatory [00:05:00] feeling, you know?

Zhou Fang: Definitely, we don't talk about that enough. Like we don't talk about financial liberation for women and women of color, like, you know, we're so used to doing free labor, unpaid labor.

Miryam Valdivia: Oh,

Zhou Fang: mean, we were just talking about that.

Miryam Valdivia: nurturing.

Zhou Fang: Yes. Well talk about that first. The financial liberation you've been experiencing. That's also part of sovereignty, I think.

Miryam Valdivia: Ab Absolutely, absolutely. The financial liberation. It, it was, you know, years in the making. Uh, but it started me being able to buy my own house by myself and also I would, I would, I would insert here the age of, I was born and raised in. Peru and moved to the States at 15. By the age of nine, my family went bankrupt.

We lost everything and we ended up houseless [00:06:00] and coming to the states, we ended up sleeping on the street, uh, one point because of other reasons. And, uh, so. I felt like I was always, you know, chasing that safety. And after my awakening, I realized like, no, I, I can do, I can do this. This is something that I can do. Um, I'm completely capable, you know, from a, a competency level, knowledge, uh, and skillset as well. So through my business, I was able also to fund buying my own home by myself, uh, and. That was, you know, one of the biggest goals that I had growing up. Like little Miriam would be so proud.

Zhou Fang: Oh, she definitely will be. And that's such a big deal, especially, I dunno, how old were you when you bought your home?

Miryam Valdivia: 2024, so

Zhou Fang: Okay.

Miryam Valdivia: thirties,[00:07:00]

Zhou Fang: Mid thirties, I mean, that's incredible.

Miryam Valdivia: thirties. I'm losing

Zhou Fang: That's in like. Like our generation, we know the kind of the study and the statistics, right? It's like millennials cannot afford a home. Like the majority of us are just kind of like, uh, what am I gonna do?

Miryam Valdivia: Yeah.

Zhou Fang: So it's absolutely a big deal and congratulations. Um,

Miryam Valdivia: Thank you.

Zhou Fang: do you love your home?

Miryam Valdivia: I love it. It's, you know, little by little making it our own. And I have my own office that it's pretty much my safe space, my, not my

Zhou Fang: Yes.

Miryam Valdivia: but like my space. Yes, my couch, everything. It's just comfy. It's where I work is where I meditate, is

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: where I have all my plans and yeah,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. It's like a sanctuary, right?

Miryam Valdivia: a sanctuary.

Zhou Fang: Yeah, that's lovely. Um, and you know, I want to get into. [00:08:00] Kind of your, uh, principle practice is sovereignty. 'cause when we first had our one-on-one conversation and you brought it up, it was actually so refreshing to me because it rarely comes up. Like even in my own practice, I usually don't think that way, like sovereignty.

Um, so in your own words. Can you help us understand like how your practice work with sovereignty, sovereignty leadership, and with woman leaders who aspire to have sovereignty?

Miryam Valdivia: So sovereignty leadership is in short values aligned leadership. And what I mean by that is that whatever it is that are are non-negotiables is where we're making our decisions from. For example, if I value. [00:09:00] Spaciousness and I look at someone's calendar and they're like back to back meetings. They're not even going to the bath.

They're holding, they're holding their pee because they can't go to the bathroom. They're just so busy, so exhausted all the time. They don't take breaks. They don't, they don't eat breakfast. They don't, they don't eat. So technically. Spaciousness is not their value. It's not being reflected. And a lot of people say, oh, well my values are this and this and this.

Okay. How are your values reflected in your everyday life, in your calendar, in how you communicate with others, in how you're building community in your work? So it's values led leadership, but walking the talk and for women especially. What I've seen in practice, um, in my story and also with my clients, they want to say, oh yes, I'm making my own [00:10:00] decisions.

I am assertive. I, um, I get, I get stuff done and I want to have success. I want to be successful. Okay, well, what does success mean, first of all? 'cause it means different things for everybody. But are you only successful in one area of your life? Because a lot of the leaders that I work with, they are incredibly successful in their careers and they're very unfulfilled in their lives. So is that really reflecting success or personal development? Growth? What do you mean by that? you really developing as a person or are you operating in um, autopilot?

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: So leadership, sovereign leadership is making decisions from your values and defaulting to what? External opinions, expectations.

Um. Demand of you. [00:11:00] not saying you are going to run around and do whatever you want. I'm saying you have your non-negotiables in whatever opinions, ex uh, or expectations. And I'm just, I'm not just talking about the boss, I'm talking about system. I'm, I'm talking about culture, I'm talking about society. Um, have of you, you don't have to internalize it. And it's a process because for women, for especially women of color, have oppression since our upbringing.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: good guard conditioning, gender conditioning, cultural conditioning, and then you add the layers. You can't change the system overnight, but when you change, the environment does change because you have ripples and you can create safe environments for other people.

You can inspire other people, you can mentor other people, and [00:12:00] that's how we create the changes that we want to see for organizations. I mean, is revenue generating as well?

Zhou Fang: Oh, I totally agree. I think a lot of leaders don't see that the interconnectedness between individual's growth and organization's growth. Um, so. Yeah, I really resonate with when you change the environment change as well. And if we can bring other people alone, right? If other people are willing, first of all, then when they see, oh, I can do this, um, they might join you.

So yeah, I think that's really good. And I think earlier. Before we started recording, you mentioned the, I really like this question, like, are you a safe space as an individual? Um, and I think [00:13:00] that's really relevant to sovereign leadership as well. Like could you share a little bit more of that?

Miryam Valdivia: Well, we were just talking about culture,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: as, um, and I'm gonna trace it back to what, um, panel guest said. Belonging is not something that you give. It's something that you create. And we're not just talking about spaces, community spaces, there's spaces or events. I'm

Zhou Fang: Hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: an individual level.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Women yearn for belonging because the system isn't really created with us in mind. We

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Let's not, uh, pretend here and women of color even more,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: right? And so when we see other people that look like us, we immediately want to gravitate towards them.

Zhou Fang: Yep.

Miryam Valdivia: have to be conscious that it doesn't turn into othering.

It doesn't turn into[00:14:00]

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: when it turns into othering, then there is exclusion.

Zhou Fang: Yep.

Miryam Valdivia: Inclusion does not, you know, inclusion, um, and creating belonging, creating community, doesn't necessarily mean that, that you have to exclude others.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: creating, being a sovereign leader also means being a safe space. Because you are conscious of your actions, of your decisions and how you show up to the world, it doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with everyone. But you have to create a safe space for everyone to feel welcome. And this goes for organizations as well. They say they welcome everyone, but um, as we heard yesterday, not everyone feels welcome. And if not everyone feels welcome, then they're not going to perform. They're at

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: uh, it's creating a safe space for everyone, not just the people that you like or not just the people that look like you.[00:15:00]

Zhou Fang: I feel actually like it's important to create a safe SA space for people who don't look like you. It's like not just the people who look like you, but it's like, oh, you are different regardless. I'm going to include you. You know? Because at the core we are, we are similar.

Miryam Valdivia: Absolutely

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: there is room for growth innovation. Genuine connection learning

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: And the more we know about others, the more you know we can, like, the better we can work together, more

Zhou Fang: Yes. Um, and I want to clarify, uh, the panelists, uh, Miriam was referring to are, uh, a few speakers we saw last night at a event, uh, I hosted. Um, it was about reclaiming her. Story. Um, we [00:16:00] had a few fabulous speakers sharing their own version of reclaiming their own stories. And one of the speakers, her name is Alam, she mentioned, you know, belonging is built like it's not granted.

Um, I think Miriam, you, you were referring to that, so just some context. Um. And so, yeah, I think it's a really good point that in order to be a sovereign leader, you need to become this safe space. So I'm curious to learn about, you know, in your practice, what are the good. Air quotes qualities for a sovereign leader.

And my guess one of them is probably like listening. Like need to be a safe space to, for people to come in and share. So you need to be a good listener. That's my guess. Um, what are the qualities that you think that a [00:17:00] sovereign leader has?

Miryam Valdivia: Definitely listening. Uh, and before listening, I would say a regulated leader.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Okay.

Miryam Valdivia: within my container, I do a lot of nervous system leadership,

Zhou Fang: mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: is conscious leadership.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: And it's only conscious because you actually don't let your amygdala run the show. you're, you're actually thinking about the impact that you're making, uh, decisions that you're making, and you're not that overthinking, second guessing, reacting. so. A regulated leader, it's not just about emotional intelligence, it's also capacity. In order to be regulated, you can't be burnt out. In order to be regulated, um, you have to know who you are in what your values are. You actually have to be in a space that is congruent with what you want to do in life. [00:18:00] Otherwise, you know, resentment builds

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: aggressiveness

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: um, and then control maybe. So have to trust yourself. And also it was mentioned yesterday, men don't really, um, well from what we've seen, lot of men don't really struggle with confidence. I would say that that is not accurate. I actually have had. Um, quite a few male clients that do struggle with confidence, but as a

Zhou Fang: Hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: we don't really see it. Um, but women have been very vocal about, you know, struggling with, with confidence. And so even, and confidence is built through fear. With fear hugging, like

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: you are just holding onto fear and you're walking through the fire. That is how

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: is built.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: But some people will [00:19:00] not go through the fire and they'll just stay there thinking that confidence is something that just appears. And so confident in your decisions, and in order to be confident, you have to be value aligned because at the end of the day, you we're going to make mistakes. Maybe you'll make the wrong decisions, but you made the wrong decisions that was aligned. To your values. So what, whatever the outcome is, we were anchored in values, we were anchored on the impact that we wanted to make. It was a conscious It was, it was a regulated decision rather than just reacting.

Zhou Fang: That's really cool. I, what I hear is, you know, the trust ourselves and trust and having confidence. A lot of that is like, do we believe in ourselves? Like do we [00:20:00] have that belief in ourselves that we will do the right thing? Not only for ourselves, but also for the people we work with and potentially people we manage, and the community we lead.

So having that belief and self-trust, that's important.

Miryam Valdivia: Yeah, and by that I would add that it's a decision made from power,

Zhou Fang: Mm.

Miryam Valdivia: from. Power can have a negative connotation if you're not, um,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Power, I mean, like your internal power. I'm not talking about hierarchies or anything like that. I'm talking about your

Zhou Fang: Right.

Miryam Valdivia: power rather than. Pain. By that I mean, oh, I made this this decision before or something similar and it didn't

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: hurt people. You are, if, if, if your decision right now is anchored to that one, then you're making a decision from pain or guilt. I'm not doing this or I'm doing this because I don't wanna hurt them. Or I'm, [00:21:00] I'm, um, and it's not a hurt like. I'm afraid of what will they think? Or I'm

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: that it will upset someone. That's

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: from fear.

Zhou Fang: Right.

Miryam Valdivia: not a decision from power.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: So that is the difference. Are you leading from power or are you leading from an emotion that is actually weighing you down?

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. I mean, that's similar to the thing we talk about, right? Scarcity, like are you making decision out of scarcity? Or are you making decision out of like, you know, like you said, spaciousness. Like, do we have that spaciousness in our lives and decision making to make the right call? Um, I really appreciate that.

And speaking of, you know, being a sovereign leader is a being regulated leader, which I resonate a lot, um, is. [00:22:00] So a lot of people we go through live kind of autopilot, like you said. And for people who want to become a sovereign leader but haven't had the opportunity to, um, heal. Right. So because in order to become regulated, we need to, uh, heal ourselves and take care of ourselves.

Um, how do you guide your clients through this process? 'cause it could be pretty painful.

Miryam Valdivia: So. Healing, I would say requires two things, awareness and accountability.

Zhou Fang: Yes. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: of, most of my clients have gone to therapy, have gone to therapy, have read the books, have listened to the podcasts. Um, they are very aware. [00:23:00] To the point that it is al almost self-deprecating they know where it comes from and they're just beating themselves.

I was like, but I know it comes from there and I know that it comes from here and I know why, because we're missing the accountability part, which is the integration part.

Zhou Fang: Yes.

Miryam Valdivia: are we going to do about it? How are you going to move the needle? So, um, in this. In my container. It's one addressing where that's coming from and transforming the decision that we made at some point in, in our lives.

So if this, if, if whatever's happening right now is tied to something that happened, right, how are we gonna transform? Because everything that happens to us, we can learn from. I'm not saying everything that happened to us is justifiable. Absolutely not. And we can learn from it. There's some, there's always something to learn from it. it's not learning about [00:24:00] others, it's learning about yourself.

Zhou Fang: Yep.

Miryam Valdivia: It's a resource.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: that we have. But when we say in victim mentality, the world is against us. We are just, oh. Um, we know about the inadequacies of the system. The injustices of the system, and we have to be accountable for how we're going to move, be accountable and how we navigate the system and make decisions from power. Now that being said, the accountability, so it's like one's micro actions. Two is assessing this is coming from. And take those lessons from whatever they came um, it's never, uh, retraumatizing, it is never like talk therapy. Mm-hmm. I

Zhou Fang: Right.

Miryam Valdivia: Um, and transforming that into resources for the person in the positive because love of attraction [00:25:00] for, for the person in the now in the positive create a plan on how we're going to move forward

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Iterating and it's designing something that works for them we all have different live experiences, we all operate different ways. There's extroverts there, there's introverts, so, and it's micro actions, and it's flexing the muscle.

Zhou Fang: Yes.

Miryam Valdivia: It's flexing the muscle. That's how we develop any skill at the end of the day.

To me, everything is skills. Everything comes down to skillset. Confidence is a skillset.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: flexing the muscle. 'cause when you show up to the gym, you're not gonna fresh at the gym. You are not gonna bench press 135, to

Zhou Fang: No,

Miryam Valdivia: 20.

Zhou Fang: no. Yeah, I totally, totally agree.

Miryam Valdivia: we put in, the more we can increase the weight. So

Zhou Fang: Hmm. I love that.

Miryam Valdivia: flexing the muscle.

Zhou Fang: [00:26:00] Flexing the muscle and yeah. Um, sometimes I call it, maybe, I don't know if this appropriate, but sometimes I say like, grow a little bit thicker skin, like to be able to handle things. But I also know that's not always appropriate.

Miryam Valdivia: I don't like that. I

Zhou Fang: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: And maybe I don't like that because it comes from cultural, you know,

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: and stuff, cliches and stuff.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: I think it's more of like, know who the hell you are.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I like that better too.

Miryam Valdivia: that's what I told women. I remind you who the hell you are

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: the world told you who you are. So it's like reclaiming. And it's reclaiming the confidence that you [00:27:00] had as a child.

That curiosity that you had as a child,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: that you had as a child, that drive that you had as a child before the world told you is like, no, it's not okay to do that. No, it's not okay to dress like this. No, it's

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: like that.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: So

Zhou Fang: Yeah. Yeah, I like that a lot. Um, I think I, I agree. You know, healing really includes awareness and accountability and sometimes I call that, um, awareness is also like acknowledgement is to acknowledge this exists and then being aware, like you said, like this is what's going on, and then what we do about that.

Miryam Valdivia: And acceptance.

Zhou Fang: No acceptance. True. Yeah. Totally. A hundred percent. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Um, so, and accountability is also, you know, that's kind of another topic I feel like [00:28:00] can go on for a very long time, is like. What happens after the awareness, right? And like you said, the micro actions and just constantly assessing where we are and how are we doing, like what are the things we can do, um, to make things better or improve, et cetera.

So I think that's really cool. And it's very, I have to say, it's actually very tangible. It sounds intimidating, but it's actually very doable.

Miryam Valdivia: I mean, look at all the scary things you've ever done, and at some point you're like, oh my God. And then after you did them like, oh, that wasn't so bad.

Zhou Fang: Yeah, exactly. I did it. It is like I did it. Yeah, it's not that bad. Um. Sometimes I find myself clinging on something that's like I hold onto and I don't wanna let go. But once you actually let go, it's just like, oh, that's [00:29:00] not so bad. It's like, that feels great. It's like it, it's again, it's kind of liberating, you know?

It's

Miryam Valdivia: it's, it's making space at the end of the day. Everything. Hmm. I should, I should probably reframe this 'cause I used to say everything is a choice. So

Zhou Fang: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: if you choose to like keep on this, then you're choosing not to make

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: else,

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: now it's like about sovereignty.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: You think you are choosing

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: to hold onto this,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: actually something in your story that left something within, now you are thinking that you're choosing. It's not you, and that's what I mean by sovereignty. It's not you choosing,

Zhou Fang: Right.

Miryam Valdivia: Maybe it's not even yours. Maybe it was your grandma's, maybe it was a boss.

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: They are

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: for you,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: but the moment

Zhou Fang: That,

Miryam Valdivia: [00:30:00] realize that and make the decision, that's sovereignty.

Zhou Fang: that's also very tricky, right? For a lot of people it's like the, it's kind of like a illusion of a control. Right. It's like I can make the choice or I can make that decision, but you are right, like. Oftentimes it's just an illusion that we have the control, so we didn't really get to choose that. So having the ability to identify or get clarification, like exactly what is this that we are choosing from, or like making decision about, that's, that's a real practice.

Like for a lot of people, the, the capacity you said is not there.

Miryam Valdivia: Capacity. Capacity to think. Capacity to

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: like really be aware. Truly aware,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.[00:31:00]

Miryam Valdivia: of how you're moving through the world.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Mm-hmm.

Zhou Fang: Yeah. Yeah. That's such a, yeah. That will be a very good place to be. Um, if, when, if and when people develop that capacity to make true, like choices and decisions on their own. Um, I want to talk about the fulfillment piece that you mentioned earlier, like sovereign leadership and fulfillment. And you said there's oftentimes a gap in between them.

Um, and to me when we say fulfillment, uh, another word that comes to mind of course is abundance. Like there is a gap between sovereign leadership and fulfillment slash abundance. Like can you tell us more about the gap and hopefully how can we narrow that?

Miryam Valdivia: I think that you can definitely [00:32:00] identify the gap of sovereignty is, um, when you don't have the fulfillment, you can have so much success in your career. And still feel empty, still feel like you're stretched thin. You still feel like you're at the virtual burnout because you don't have agency and you are just pushing through.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: And I acknowledge work is, uh, primarily with in corporate, um, nonprofit. I see it a lot as well, some of entrepreneurs. They are stretch thin, but more so corporate, um, stretch thin about the demands of the culture, the organization, some toxic culture. Right? And they're just, they're just re they're, they're just reacting and they're just giving whatever is required of them.

And by requiring, I mean, like, quote unquote, right? There's still some agency, [00:33:00] there's still some agency, but if you're. Overgiving overextending thinking that you are choosing to do because they require, because you're obligated to The moment that you say, I have to do something, I'm obligated to do something.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: surrendering choice. You are surrendering agent. You are surrendering. You are responsibility because you are being made to do something. Rather, I choose to show up this way because. I choose to say yes to this and no to this. choose to only do this because it's required by my role or whatever. I choose to communicate in this way because I'm created a safe space, right? I'm, and of, of course there's, there are toxic environments. Not everything is toxic.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Some, some stuff is just discomfort. Sometimes it's you putting yourself in those containers [00:34:00] and you're blaming the containers when you could have just not chosen that container to be

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: That actually was a lot of my story. I was choosing environments required so much of me, and I was just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. But the, the moment that I'm like, I don't have to be here, I don't have to. Perform like this. I don't have to do these things. And nothing happened. Nobody

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: I didn't lose my job.

Um, I still got promoted. I still got paid, like nothing changed. I

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: and my workload changed,

Zhou Fang: Yes.

Miryam Valdivia: my fulfillment increased,

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: my

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: got better, and my communication got better. And the way that I led my team. Got better. So that gap is you have any agency? Do you have any [00:35:00] choice or just you wanna autopilot?

Zhou Fang: Hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: And that's when like the resentment increases, like you're unfulfilled.

Zhou Fang: Yeah, I really appreciate that. I'm actually thinking about a friend of mine who, which it really could be anyone in this world right now. Um, they are at a job that they don't really enjoy, but they do really well. Like, they don't really like the job they do, but they are very good at it. They, um, and, and they like the people they work with, so that's important.

So I asked them like, why are you doing this? Like, you, you told me you don't really like this job. And their response, I actually feel is, uh, a showcase of sovereign leadership or like sovereign kind of self leadership is they said, I know I don't like this job and I know this is not forever. I [00:36:00] choose to do this job because one, it pays really well and I am well in my forties.

I'm trying to build a, like a retirement, right, so that I know when it's time, 20 years later, I will be able to retire, like be able to have a decent life. That's one. And two, I know this is not forever because I know a few years later. I will be able to exit this job. And so there is a, a due date for this job that I'm currently not loving.

And three, I really like the people I work with, so. Even though I don't like this job or this industry I'm in because of the people I surround myself with, I feel this gives me a, like you said, a safe environment to be in. So this friend of mine, they literally told me this. 'cause I was like, why doing this?

You don't like it? And they're like, well, because of [00:37:00] these, these and these, I choose to stay at this job. And I'm like, yeah, that's sovereignty. That's really cool.

Miryam Valdivia: absolutely. the thing is like, uh, there's gonna be discomfort everywhere. Some

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: are toxic, some places are not, and it's just uncomfortable.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: uh, some places you need to leave. I, I, I, I think the, the, uh, one of the non-negotiables for leaving a toxic environment is. your values in direct conflict?

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Because that is eating everything at you. Like if your values are in, in direct conflict with whatever's happening at the organization, maybe it's time.

Zhou Fang: Mm.

Miryam Valdivia: There's like different levels. So like one, the culture could be hard, but workable. Sounds like your friend.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly.

Miryam Valdivia: two.

Zhou Fang: Mm.

Miryam Valdivia: Um, the culture is toxic, but they have [00:38:00] leverage.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: They have leverage, so they can still themselves, they can still negotiate, they can still escalate from power, not from panic. And then the culture is genuinely like toxic and they need to go.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Yeah.

Zhou Fang: I guess it's also about someone's tolerance of. Toxicity or negativity? Like what's, what's someone's tolerance of that? Like ask yourself, can you work with that?

Miryam Valdivia: Yeah,

Zhou Fang: Hmm. Um, so when you work with clients who are like, I want to feel more fulfilled, um. And I want to say leave this toxic environment altogether.

Miryam Valdivia: Okay.

Zhou Fang: do you help them get there? Because there's a lot of like, I see, you know, uh, thinking and thinking. [00:39:00] Ruminating. Ruminating, and like, how do we take that leap?

Miryam Valdivia: First of all,

Zhou Fang: I.

Miryam Valdivia: not every single client that I work with leaves the organization. Um, the first thing we do is a capacity audit. Where's your capacity going? Where are your capacity leaks? So there's like different areas that we assess and like, it's like a questionnaire and then ask questions that I ask during, during the session as well, because sometimes they may be working 40 hours, but they're thinking about work another 20. Exactly, this is eating at their capacity. They're exhausted, they're not sleeping, they're overextending. They wake up and immediately like already thinking about all the things that they have to do, is eating at your capacity. They're volunteering for stuff that doesn't even belong to them.

They, you know, they, they're not leading their teams. [00:40:00] They're not communicating with our teams. They're not giving feedback when they should, which creates more problems for the team, for the organizations, and for and for themselves. So. Where, where are your capacity leaks? Maybe it is not completely on the organization.

Maybe it's also you,

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: in both. We like we're we, everything has our own accountability,

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: We address that, then we build, okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. Can we do that? Uh, and start like little by little. And then, uh, yeah. And then they get to open. It's like, okay, I have more time. I have a little bit more time. Like

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: working 70 hours anymore. I'm working 50. They're resting on the weekends.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: sleep, but it's restoring. Because not, like some people are not resting and not sleeping, and those are different. Resting and sleeping [00:41:00] are completely like,

Zhou Fang: Yeah, very different.

Miryam Valdivia: They're not the same. Um. Some people, they actually have more time that quality time at home because they're not thinking or reactive because of what happened at work or because leadership is not being supportive or any, any of those things. So we separate the two and yes, there's, there's no such thing as like balance is never going to be 50 50 with work.

Zhou Fang: No. No. Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: You know, you just

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: find your happy medium. And,

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: then the person gets to realize like, okay, once we have an assessment of values, once we, um, have what they actually want in life, like to a point of like, this is actually a career that I want, or No, I've always wanted to try this thing and I've been second guessing myself.

I've been doubting myself. I wasn't good enough, and I'm like, mm-hmm. It's time. [00:42:00] So I guide 'em through whatever their definition of success or level leveling up is from a sovereign state, not from, I'm afraid if I can afford it, I'm afraid of what?

Zhou Fang: Mm.

Miryam Valdivia: letting, letting down my family. I'm

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: of all the sacrifice, like for first gens

Zhou Fang: Yes. Yeah. A lot. Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: that my parents made to bring me to this country. And I'm like, that's not sovereign. That's guilt.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: That's

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: was me for the longest time.

Zhou Fang: Mm.

Miryam Valdivia: Um,

Zhou Fang: Okay.

Miryam Valdivia: uh, so we actually get to that place and I'm like, okay. Now how do we do, like now we go into my, leadership brain and my strategic leadership, like we're going to sort, analysis, we go into like, how are we gonna make this happen?

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: if they need to save the money, if they need to do

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: you know, I'm gonna help you get whatever it is that you want to [00:43:00] go. If you, if you actually like the organization, the mission, the values, your team, and this is actually where you want to be, okay? You will operate differently. To expand your capacity so you can be fulfilled as well in life. You, you, like, you're not only successful in your career, but you're also successful in your life.

Zhou Fang: Yeah, I, I love it. 'cause it sounds, it sounds kind of, so, it sounds like in order to expand our capacity, we actually need to lay down boundaries,

Miryam Valdivia: Yes.

Zhou Fang: like.

Miryam Valdivia: Boundaries with yourself too.

Zhou Fang: Yeah, exactly. So it's like, because people tend to keep moving the line, you know, oh, I can extend more. I can extend more. But that's not capacity

Miryam Valdivia: Yeah.

Zhou Fang: that, that's kind of like, um.

That's overstretching, like you said, like I keep, I keep moving the line, but it looks like I'm increasing my [00:44:00] capacity, but it's forced, right? But if you are able to draw the line and actually keep the line, then you are holding that space for yourself and it can expand. Two different directions. So you're not really pushing this one line, this imaginary line you set up for yourself, and then you become more expensive.

Miryam Valdivia: you have the options that you didn't see before because you're so zoomed in, in what's, what comes next that

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: have the ability to zoom out and look at all the options that are here at your disposal.

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: Um, and then the line that you mentioned

Zhou Fang: Mm-hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: a lot of times that is safety. People are chasing safety outside of themselves. No matter how much money you'll make if you don't have safety within. And an example of safety is this leader. She makes crazy amounts of [00:45:00] money, crazy amounts of money, and she went through a really chapter in her career at the point that she was like, you know, if I have to leave, I'll leave. I don't

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: Because she's got it like that. She's got the safety. Like

Zhou Fang: Hmm.

Miryam Valdivia: The money doesn't matter. The, the position doesn't matter. The, they don't matter. The prestige, the title, the position, the salary, doesn't matter. She knows whatever happens. She's fine.

Zhou Fang: Yeah. I love that. I, I mean, I hope, I want that for all of us, like honestly. And so, like you said, you know, the system doesn't really allow us to do it, so we have to figure out how to. Bring that sovereignty back so that we can make very, like, consciously make choices for ourselves.[00:46:00]

Miryam Valdivia: Absolutely.

Zhou Fang: That's amazing. And um. And I'm sure we'll talk more about this as you continue your, you know, coaching practice. Um, I think there are a lot of other things we can talk about. It's like culture, right? Culture conditioning, woman, woman of color, like you're Latina, I'm Asian, I'm Chinese. And um, what kind of environment we grew up in that has just so much implication and kind of like.

Sometimes deciding what kind of life we're going to lead for a lot of us actually. So I mean, I would love to have like a maybe conversation just about cultural conditioning someday.

Miryam Valdivia: I will love that. Absolutely love that.

Zhou Fang: yeah, I mean I think that would be therapeutic actually.

Miryam Valdivia: We're just gonna be venting about our cultures.

Zhou Fang: yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: because I am Latina and you are Asian. We can talk about our cultures. I always say sis, I [00:47:00] always just like there's light, there's darkness in everything.

Zhou Fang: Yeah. In everything.

Miryam Valdivia: especially when it has been impacted by systemic inequities.

Zhou Fang: absolutely. Yeah. And a lot of, I mean even, I mean I, I'm from China, but you know, China also had a lot of like toxic traditions in. It's, I don't know, 5,000 years or so of history, you know, a lot of harm has been done, even though we also had lot of progress being made. But, you know, um, I mean, of course this is for another time, but I think it's really important to recognize, like you said, the darkness.

We can't just talk about, I'm a proud Latina. I'm a proud Chinese. Yes, we are very proud. At the same time, there are things we can learn [00:48:00] from the past that hopefully our generation and future generations can unlearn and then, you know, grow and have our own sovereignty, not just as individuals, but as a collective.

Miryam Valdivia: Absolutely.

Zhou Fang: we have sovereignty as a collective? I think that would be so cool. So,

Miryam Valdivia: I love that.

Zhou Fang: um, so thank you so much for your time today, Miriam, and, uh, please tell us where do people find you and how can people contact you and work with you?

Miryam Valdivia: Yes, you. I am on LinkedIn as my name, Miriam Bolivia Romero, or you can find me on any social platform as Miriam Aldrum. That's my handle.

Zhou Fang: Okay.

Miryam Valdivia: And, uh, yeah, that's, you can DM me once, once you see this episode. If something resonated with you, please, please send me a message. Add me on LinkedIn, ask me questions.

I'll love to connect and open for speaking engagements, facilitation, you know, when we get to [00:49:00] reclaim our stories, our sovereignty, and start leading from our values, because it

Zhou Fang: Yes.

Miryam Valdivia: impact us, it impacts including the organizations.

Zhou Fang: Yes. Even if we don't see the connection yet, just know it's all interconnected. It really is. Um, so with that and with more to come, I wanna say thank you, Miriam today.

Miryam Valdivia: Thank you. Thank you for having me, Joe. This was just refreshing, such a refreshing conversation.

Zhou Fang: Yes. And it's much needed. Uh, I, I, I mean, personally, I want to learn more about it and I want people out there to learn more about it and to work with you.

Miryam Valdivia: Thank you. Thank you. Uh, I

Zhou Fang: Yeah.

Miryam Valdivia: more conversations.

Zhou Fang: Same. Um, with that, I'm gonna stop recording here. I.